Dating Apps and Disclosure: Timing That Actually Works

You keep checking your Bumble profile, wondering if you should mention your ostomy. Should it go in your bio, wait until you match, or talk about it before meeting? Looking at other profiles doesn't make the decision any easier.

I understand. Online dating makes everyone overthink, and having an ostomy adds another question: when do you bring it up? The good news is there are ways to handle this, and you don't have to share your medical history right away to meet genuine people.

I want to be honest upfront: I was in a loving relationship when I got my ostomy, so I haven't personally navigated online dating with one. However, I've talked with many people in our community who have, and they've shared what worked for them. This article brings together their insights and experiences to help you figure out what might work best for you.

The Profile Dilemma: To Mention or Not

Let's start with the main question: Should you mention your ostomy in your dating profile? After talking to many people who have faced this, here's what I've learned:

Most People Don't Put It in Their Profile

And that's completely fine. Your dating profile should show who you are: your interests, sense of humor, values, and what you're looking for. Your ostomy is just one part of your life, not what defines you.

Some People Mention It Right in Their Profile

I've talked to people who mention it right in their bio. Not in a big dramatic way, just something brief like "Health journey has taught me resilience" or "Looking for someone who values authenticity." One person told me they liked getting it out of the way early because then they knew anyone who swiped right was already okay with it. No surprises, no awkward conversations later.

Consider Your Goals

If you want a serious relationship, you might choose to mention it early. If you're just getting back into dating, you may prefer to wait and see how things go.

Your dating profile should represent the full, interesting person you are, not be reduced to a medical condition.

The Sweet Spot: After Matching, Before Meeting

Based on what others have told me, this timing usually works best:

Stage 1: Match and Initial Conversations (Days 1-3)

You just matched. Talk about your weekend plans, that show you're both watching, whatever feels natural. Get to know each other first. Your ostomy doesn't need to come up yet.

Stage 2: Deeper Conversations (Days 3-7)

This is when most people I've talked to bring it up. You've been chatting for a few days, there's some actual connection happening, but you're not so invested that rejection would really hurt. You've probably also figured out from your conversations whether they seem like a kind, mature person.

Stage 3: Before the First Date

If you haven't mentioned it yet, be sure to do so before meeting in person. It's fair to both of you to have this conversation in advance.

How to Bring It Up: Scripts That Work

Starting the conversation is often the hardest part. Here are some ways to make it feel more natural and confident:

The Matter-of-Fact Approach

"Hey, I wanted to share something with you before we meet up. I have an ileostomy from surgery I had [timeframe]. It's not a big deal in my day-to-day life, but I wanted you to know. Still up for coffee on Saturday?"

The Context-Setting Approach

"I've really enjoyed our conversations and would love to meet up. Before we do, I wanted to share that I had surgery that resulted in an ostomy. I'm healthy, and it doesn't really impact my life, but I believe in being upfront about important stuff."

The Positive-Frame Approach

"You seem like someone who values honesty, so I wanted to share that I have an ostomy. The health journey that led to it has actually made me a stronger, more empathetic person. Hope that doesn't change your interest in grabbing dinner?"

What NOT to Do

Learn from others' mistakes with these approaches that tend to backfire:

The Over-Apology

Don't say: "I'm so sorry, but I have to tell you something terrible..." Try to be straightforward and confident instead.

The Medical Textbook

Don't start with detailed medical explanations unless they ask for them. Keep it simple and focus on how it affects your daily life, which is usually not much.

The Dramatic Reveal

Don't say: "I have something serious to tell you..." Treat it like sharing any other information, because that's what it is.

Waiting Until You're Face-to-Face

I've heard from people who waited until they were on the actual date to bring it up, and it never went well. It puts both of you in an awkward position. They need time to process it on their own, and you deserve to know how they feel before you're sitting across from them at dinner.

Remember, you're just sharing information, not asking for permission. You deserve someone who sees this as one part of you, not a dealbreaker.

What Happens After You Tell Them

People have told me they've gotten all kinds of responses. Here's what to expect:

The Good Ones

The best reactions are pretty straightforward. "Thanks for telling me. Doesn't change how I feel," or "Appreciate you being honest with me. Still excited to meet you on Saturday." Sometimes people will say, "Can I ask you some questions about it?" which is usually fine. Or "That sounds like a lot. I'm glad you're doing better now." These are the people who get it. They see you as a person first, not a medical condition.

The Curious-But-Respectful Responses

Some people might ask gentle questions because they genuinely don't know what an ostomy is. This is usually a good sign. They're trying to understand, not judge.

The Not-So-Great Responses

• Immediate ghosting.
• Overly invasive medical questions.
• "I could never handle that."
• Treating you like a charity case.
• Making assumptions about what you can/can't do.

Platform-Specific Strategies

Different apps might call for slightly different approaches:

Tinder/Bumble (More Casual)

If conversations are lighter and more flirty, you might wait until you're planning to meet or until things get more personal.

Hinge/Coffee Meets Bagel (More Relationship-Focused)

People on these apps often want more serious connections, so sharing a bit earlier might feel more natural.

League/Elite Apps

These platforms usually attract career-focused people who may appreciate clear and direct communication about personal topics.

Building Confidence for Disclosure

The more confident you feel about your ostomy, the easier these conversations will become:

• Practice your explanation. Say it out loud to yourself or to a trusted friend until it feels comfortable.
• Focus on your strengths. Remind yourself what you bring to a relationship beyond your medical history.
• Set realistic expectations. Not everyone will be the right match, and that's okay.
• Have a support system. Keep friends close who you can talk to when dates don't go well.
• Keep things in perspective. If someone can't handle this, they're not the right person for you anyway.

Red Flags to Watch For

Some reactions tell you everything you need to know about someone's character:

• Making jokes or comments that minimize your experience.
• Asking invasive questions about your sex life immediately.
• Treating you differently or "carefully" after disclosure.
• Making assumptions about your limitations.
• Treating you like inspiration porn.

Success Stories and Encouragement

Here's what I want you to know: people in our community find happy, healthy relationships every day. Some met partners on dating apps, some shared early, and some waited. There's no single right way.

The right people will see your ostomy as just one part of your story, not the whole thing. In fact, many people find that health challenges make them better partners: more empathetic, resilient, and grateful for life.

The right person for you will hear about your ostomy and think, "Okay, tell me more about your hobbies," because they'll be interested in all of you.

Moving Forward After Disclosure

After you've had the conversation and they respond well, here's how to keep things feeling normal:

Don't Keep Bringing It Up

You've shared your story. Now let the relationship grow naturally, without always checking if they're still okay with it.

When They Have Questions

They might have more questions later. That's pretty normal, especially if they've never heard of an ostomy before. Answer what you feel comfortable answering. You don't owe anyone your complete medical history. If there's something you don't want to get into, you can just say that.

It's Okay to Set Boundaries

If their questions start to feel too personal or invasive, just say something like, "I'd rather not get into all the medical stuff right now." Anyone worth your time will get it and back off. If they don't, that tells you something important about them.

Once you've navigated disclosure and things are progressing, you might be thinking about intimacy and physical relationships. Our dating and relationships article has practical tips for navigating intimacy with an ostomy.

Video Calls and Staying Safe

If you're doing video dates first, the same rules apply. Bring it up before you meet in person. The nice thing about video calls is you can actually see their face when they react, which sometimes makes it less nerve-wracking. Just mention it, don't make it into a big, dramatic thing, and then move on. You don't want the entire call to be about your ostomy.

One thing I want to mention: be careful with how much medical information you share with someone you've just started talking to. You don't know this person yet. Tell them when it feels safe and right for you, not because you feel pressured to. Your medical history is private, and you get to control who knows what and when they know it.

Final Thoughts

Online dating with an ostomy isn't much different from dating without one. It just means having one extra conversation. That talk can feel nerve-wracking, but it's usually less of a big deal than you think.

Remember, you're not looking for someone to accept your ostomy. You want someone who truly likes and respects you as a whole person. That's a big difference.

Take your time, trust your instincts about when to share, and know that the right person will value your honesty and see your ostomy as just one small part of your bigger, more interesting story.