Dating and Relationships: Real Talk for Young Ostomates

Dating with an ostomy in your twenties or thirties can feel like a lot to handle. I remember feeling nervous about intimacy and being self-conscious. It's normal to feel anxious when meeting people, whether through friends, apps, or in person.

I wish I had known that having an ostomy doesn't keep you from finding love, building strong relationships, or enjoying intimacy. You just need to be a little more patient and gentle with yourself along the way.

The Disclosure Dilemma

Everyone wonders when to tell someone. There's no single right answer, but here are a few options that have helped others:

Option 1: Upfront Disclosure

Some people talk about it in their dating app profiles or mention it early on. This helps you find people who are comfortable with it right away. The downside is that it can feel like your medical condition is the first thing they notice about you.

Option 2: Wait Until There's a Connection

Most people I know like this approach: go on a few dates, see if there's a real connection, and then talk about it before things get physical. You're not hiding anything. You're just letting your personality come through before sharing your medical history.

Option 3: Wait Until Things Get Serious

Some people wait until the relationship feels serious. This can work, but waiting too long might make it seem like a bigger deal than it is. There's no perfect time to share, trust your instincts about what feels right for you and fair to them.

Having 'The Conversation'

After you decide to share, what should you do next? Here are some ways that have helped others:

Keep It Simple and Matter-of-Fact

"I want to share something with you. I have an ileostomy because of [brief medical reason]. It's not a big deal in my day-to-day life, but I wanted you to know before things get more serious between us."

Focus on the Present, Not the Past

You don't need to share your full medical history. A simple explanation is usually enough: "I had surgery that resulted in an ostomy. I'm healthy now, and it doesn't really affect my life much, but I wanted you to know."

Be Prepared for Questions

Most people don't know what an ostomy is, so be ready to explain the basics if they ask. You can say, "An ostomy is a surgically created opening in the body for the discharge of bodily waste." Usually, people ask questions because they're curious, not because they're judging you.

Dealing with Reactions

Not everyone will react the way you hope, and that's okay. Here are some common reactions:

The Good Reactions

• "Thanks for telling me. It doesn't change how I feel about you."
• "I'd love to learn more about what that means for you."
• "I appreciate you trusting me with this."

The Not-So-Great Reactions

• Immediate physical recoil or disgust.
• Invasive medical questions.
• Assumptions about what you can/can't do.
• Ghosting after the conversation.

Dealing with these reactions can be hard, but having a plan makes it easier. If someone reacts badly, remember it's about them, not you. Take some time to process, reach out to your support network, or do something that helps you feel better. This can help you move forward.

Intimacy and Physical Relationships

A lot of people have questions about intimacy. You can still have a satisfying physical relationship with an ostomy. Here are some practical tips:

• Empty your pouch before being intimate. It's a simple step and nothing to feel embarrassed about.
• Consider the timing of meals (you know your body best).
• Maybe keep a change of clothes nearby, just in case.
• Take a shower beforehand if it helps you feel more confident.

Communication is Key

Talk with your partner about which positions are most comfortable for you. They want you to feel good, but they can't know what you need unless you tell them. Most people are more flexible than you might think.

Wardrobe Solutions

There are intimacy wraps, lingerie for ostomates, and other products that can help you feel more confident. You can find these online, often through shops suggested by support groups or ostomy communities. After the first time, most people don't worry about it as much.

Long-Term Relationships

In a committed relationship, your ostomy just becomes part of everyday life for both of you. The best partners will:

• Learn about your routines and needs without making it weird.
• Advocate for you in social situations if needed.
• Not treat you like you're fragile or broken.
• Continue to see you as a whole, complex person.

Building Confidence

Confidence is one of the most attractive things you can bring to dating. You build it by knowing you're more than your medical condition.

• Having a support system that reminds you of your worth.
• Practicing self-compassion when things don't go perfectly.
• Focusing on what you offer in a relationship, not what you think you're missing.

Online Dating Tips

Many people with ostomies have had good experiences with dating apps. Here are some tips that have worked for them:

• Lead with your interests, humour, and personality.
• Use recent photos where you feel confident and attractive.
• You're not obligated to mention your ostomy in your profile.
• Focus on finding people who share your values and interests.
• The right person will appreciate your honesty when you're ready to talk about it.

Want more detailed strategies for navigating dating apps? We cover everything from profile decisions to platform-specific timing in our complete guide to dating apps and disclosure.

Red Flags to Watch For

Some reactions that indicate this person isn't right for you:

• Making jokes at your expense.
• Treating you like a charity case.
• Constantly asking invasive questions.
• Making assumptions about your capabilities.
• They use your condition to make themselves seem like heroes.

Success Stories

I know many people in happy relationships, married, engaged, in long-term partnerships, or just enjoying dating. Having an ostomy doesn't stop you from finding love. You might just need to be a little more intentional about it.

The right people will see your ostomy as just one small part of who you are. Some of the best relationships are with people who value your strength, resilience, and the unique perspective your experiences give you.

Final Thoughts

Dating with an ostomy takes a bit more planning, but it's definitely possible. Be patient with yourself, trust your instincts, and remember you deserve love and companionship just like anyone else. The right person will see your ostomy and think, "Okay, cool, tell me more about your other interests." When that happens, you'll see that all the worry was worth it to find someone who truly understands you.

You're not asking for special treatment. You just want understanding and connection, and that's completely reasonable.